First 500 words of my monlogue

No Escape

Peter has been in a mental home for 20 years. He suffers from schizophrenia. He is sat alone on his bed, staring at a blank white wall with a flat expressionless gaze.

They tell me to do bad things…I don’t know who they are. They tell me to do bad things. To hurt myself. I’ve given in before. (Hitting his head whilst rocking back and forth) why wont they go away? Ahh! (Screaming to someone that he claims to be sat next to him) Stop talking to me! They tell me to do bad things. I must hurt myself, that’s the only way they will disappear, I must hurt others too- they tell me. But I can’t. My helpers tell me to do activities I enjoy, I enjoy jigsaws, but I can only concentrate for 10 minutes before they, they come back, back into my head, taunting, teasing and tormenting me. (Tears suddenly rush down his face) The torture of my disorder is making my life unbearable; my life is like an episode in hell. They’re there again… Go and die! Why are you laughing at me? Stop.

I can’t sleep at night. I toss and turn in my cold, dusty sheets. I’m often too scared to enter my room because they might be sat there. Daring me to do terrible things. They tell me to do bad things. I always creep cautiously into my bed after brushing my teeth; I never know when they will appear and how extreme the tasks they have in mind for me are. Nobody can fathom what I have to go through, every day is a tiring struggle. (Reflecting) I could be conquering the world. I would have become a lawyer. I would have earned thousands. Instead, instead I am stuck in this grotty, unpleasant, vile, vulgar, ghastly place.

They tell me to do bad things…

(Suddenly calming down) I count down the days until I get to see my daisy, she said it was for the best, she didn’t want me to go, she promised. I miss her. Our wedding was the best time of my life. She looked so beautiful. I am the luckiest man alive, well despite them. I would give my right arm to go back to our wedding day and relive it forever. She doesn’t visit me a lot, but I understand, I think. Once every two months, if I’m lucky. Then again, I don’t believe in luck, what is luck? Luck is overrated. Here they are again.  Stop.

I hate my life, why me? I don’t understand. I think I done someone bad in a past life to deserve this now. I told you to leave me alone. Stop. They’re telling me to find a razor.  I should do it otherwise they won’t leave me alone. They tell me to do bad things. I can’t do it. A few seconds of pain may be worth it, just to see them fade.

Rewrite of a text in a different register

Original text
 I met Steven, we walked for a bit wif my friend Nat then went back to my house. When he had 2 go hime i walked him to the bus stop and kissed him, but i didn't feel anything. I felt really bad as he is such a nice person. I told him last night how I felt and he completely understood. We iz going to the cinema on saturday together. Neway, I sat my french general exam yesterday and i got my results back today. I got 31 out of 32 so i'm quite happy. Claire was really upset in english and i wish i could help her b happy but the only one who can do that is tony.

Rewrite
When one met a young gentlemen; named Steven, we embraced the nature by going for a walk, alongside a great companion, Nat. Afterwards, we went back to my house. When Steven had to go home, I kindly accompanied him to the bus stop, where we interlocked our lips, hoping for emotion and sparks to which there wasn't any. I felt guilty as he is such a pleasant human being. Steven was understanding later that night- when i told him one's emotions. Claire was very upset in English , I wished I could of showed sympathy for her but the only person who could achieve this was Tony.

Effective texts

Effective styles of writing

http://www.reveal.co.uk/debates/news/a508021/is-your-boyfriend-making-you-fat.html

I found this debate effective because both the women use simplistic language which I feel is appropriate for middle-aged women. However, the simple language used suggests that the women are of a lower intelligence level. The tone in which the women speak is very chatty and makes women readers feel they are not alone- as if they can confide in these women. The two opposing arguments makes this debate effective as it shows two different opinions but they back up their opinions with explanations.

http://www.telegraph.co.uk/motoring/news/10288062/Dozens-injured-as-more-than-100-vehicles-crash-in-bridge-pile-up.html

I found this article successful as it had a headline that told the reader a bit about what the article is about to tell them, then it is followed by a by-line which gives more information to the reader about the article. This headline makes the reader want to read further because the writer uses statistics to emphasise how tragic the accident was. Throughout the article the writer uses quotes from interviews with people, who witnessed the accident, to make it sound more realistic to the reader. Again, this article is very simplistic, however this is beneficial to the reader as states what happened clearly, without having the need to use difficult language.

http://www.theguardian.com/fashion/fashion-blog/2013/sep/05/dress-like-your-boss

This piece of writing is very different to the others I have chosen. This is an informative piece of writing. The variation of language used through out if more complex and the way the punctuation has been used; the punctuation is more varied and the writer hasn’t just used simple punctuation. Also, the way the sentences are structured and the complex wording tells us that the target audience if for highly-educated people.  However, this piece of writing is very informal as it is very chatty “even worse news” this makes the report more personal to the reader.